“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:14)

“Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37)

Tim Keller describes two dimensions of forgiveness: inward forgiveness and reconciled forgiveness. Reconciled forgiveness requires two people. The person who caused the harm has to recognize what they have done, repent, and begin the difficult work of repairing the relationship. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it doesn’t.

But inward forgiveness is different. Inward forgiveness is something we can work on without the other person’s involvement. Inward forgiveness can happen even when the other person never apologizes. It does not mean minimizing what happened. It is not a posture of weakness, it is actually a position of power because inward forgiveness says:

What you did hurt me. It mattered. But I am choosing not to allow what you did then to continue controlling me now.

That kind of forgiveness is incredibly difficult, which is probably why Scripture never treats forgiveness primarily as an act of willpower.

Paul writes, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Notice the order.

We don’t forgive so that God might become gracious toward us. We forgive because, in Christ, God has already been gracious toward us. The forgiveness we have received from the Lord overflows into our relationships. The deeper we understand the staggering grace we have received, the more capable we become of extending grace to those who have hurt us.

The simple truth of the Gospel is that you are far more broken and sinful than you dare to admit, but you are also far more loved by God than you could ever imagine.

What hurt or wound have you been carrying for a long time? Before trying to reconcile with that person, begin by doing the deeper work of inward forgiveness.

And before you go there, reflect on the depth of God’s forgiveness toward you.

Who still occupies more emotional space in your heart than they should? What are you afraid would happen if you forgave them? How might remembering God’s forgiveness of you begin to loosen your grip on what they did?