It’s often difficult to know what to do or say when a friend is experiencing grief and loss. We long for the right words—some magic phrase that will ease their pain and help them return to “normal.” However, more often than not, our words only deepen the hurt.

The book of Job is one of the oldest pieces of Scripture, addressing one of life’s oldest questions: Why do bad things happen to good people? Job loses everything—his livelihood, his children, his wife, and even his health. In his deep grief, three friends approach him:

“They set out from their homes and met toegether by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep alkoud and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” –Job 2:11-13

I almost wish the book of Job ended here. This passage offers a powerful model for supporting a grieving friend. Job’s friends went to him together, to sympathize (literally, “to suffer with”) and simply sat in silence for an entire week.

Unfortunately, by Chapter 4, they ruin it. They start to speak—and instead of comforting Job, they make his pain worse.

• Eliphaz: With a gentle yet condescending tone, he urges Job to acknowledge his sin and repent, believing that confession will lead to restoration.
• Bildad: A rigid traditionalist, he speaks harshly, insisting that God operates on a strict cause-and-effect system—if Job is suffering, he must have done something wrong.
• Zophar: The most ruthless of the three, he is blunt, arrogant, and lacking compassion. Frustrated with Job’s protests, he resorts to “tough love,” convinced that Job deserves even worse suffering.

Each of them attempts to defend God, rationalize Job’s suffering, or place blame—all of which only deepen Job’s anguish. Instead of offering pastoral care, they provide an example of what not to do.

So, what should we do when a friend suffers a tragic loss?

In Why God?, Darren Frame offers simple yet profound advice:

“just show up…over and over over.”

• Avoid saying, “Call me if you need anything,” because this shifts responsibility to the grieving person, who likely won’t ask for help.
• Instead, take initiative—bring meals, offer to drive their kids to school, handle errands, or schedule doctor’s appointments. Small, tangible acts make a big difference.
• Share good memories of their loved one. Ask about their favorite moments. Talking about the person they lost can be a meaningful part of healing.
• Be present and unafraid of their pain. As Frame puts it,“People in pain are worried, and they need someone to worry with them. Be willing to listen, no matter how sad it makes you. Listen, and don’t shy away from talking about death or fear. This is real friendship. This is real love.”

Job’s friends started well—they showed up. But they failed when they tried to explain away his suffering rather than simply being with him.

The good news? You don’t need perfect words or deep theological answers to help a grieving friend. You just need to show up and listen.